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Autism & Repetitive Thinking

a concept was introduced to me without care in a time where I am extremely disregulated because we are homeless. it was mentioned over and over and over again that

i should just forget it. when I attempted to explain why i mentally and physically couldn't it was disregarded. here's why I cannot just drop a topic once it is presented to me my autism means I process everything you say, and the things you don't. there are cues i can pick up on that you think you're hiding. so while it may just be convo for you, it cant be for me. it is not mentally possible. even light conversation i may be thinking about for days after. so the concept of just letting something go is lost. its not possible with the autistic brain. there have been studies and research done on the connections between the autistic mind and obsessive and compulsive thinking and actions. for me it is obsessive thoughts that escalate and become never-ending that lead to anxiety, depression, and distraction from day to day tasks that might otherwise help to keep me regulated. as Black femmes, autism, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and actions, as well as other mental health areas, are going show up differently in us as we are still engaged within the stereotypes of enslaved persons. we have no need for mental health because our brains, our identity and humanity doesn't exist in the minds of the dominant culture. we now hold these same beliefs culturally in tandem with knowing that our arrival in this country still bares on our survival today. some of us will check the boxes of western medicine and diagnosis, but most are overlooked or misdiagnosed. this is because of how Black femmes are already required to mask deeply. we must achieve success flawlessly with physical and mental fortitude. and we must do so in the face of knowing that our equity and care will never be given in the way it is taken. we are already labeled and engaged as high performing in a society that dehumanizes us and removes us from equity, intention, care, and support as if the label alone is enough to sustain life. our communities and relationships continue to crumble with one another because our time and life has already been limited by circumstances outside of our control. we are exhausted. this I know. but on the path to healing, reparation, and recovery we literally can leave no stone unturned, no passing go and collecting for free. fighting the inclination to do so, feels damn near impossible, when the world has whipped and skipped steps all over your Black body.

and no matter how brave and well-intended the intention. no matter how much I see you, some of you can't see me. because that would mean acknowledging parts of yourself that you and the world have decided don't exist. people like me are never meant to be seen or heard and yet here I stand.

i have had to relearn my relationship with me. ride slow homey.

that means i require the same of folx in their relationship to me. every day a new connection is made between behaviors i've long misunderstood from myself in connection to my autism which is still a young tenda thang. i am still learning how to connect the language of autism to the language of me and a lot gets lost in translation. relationship with me means we can no longer work from the same monolithic cultural text, and if you are choosing to engage someone like me, someone with autism then you are making a choice to learn and engage a text that is brand new and for most that will be too much ask.

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