New Level Unlocked(Tired)

I was talking to Siir Cole. We talk a lot, especially during this fragile time. Sometimes I feel at any moment all it takes is a spark. The volatility in recognizing your disposability. I can feel the collective pain of my people in me, who know this all to well. Who knew that I would know it too. They are mad in me making my simple existence revolutionary madness.

Relationships are hard. No matter the level of intimacy. Last night I realized this is my first and only relationship that has made it past 2 years.  My body doesn't even know how to exist in this space. It is literally in revolt. It knows the same pattern, and that pattern has always ended in me leaving. It was my greatest power especially with Black men. The only way to mirror the pain them that they caused me is to disappear. It has ended in the exhaustion and repulsion of caring for someone who had no intention of extending the same care to me.

That captive maternal, I have been a mammy lover to far too many. And not just to cis men. Made to believe that the love of me could only be a private thing. I learned it first from my father and he didn't even love me in private just threw money at me when he fucked it up. An open show of love was indeed too much and I would never be deserving. The first woman I loved did the same.

Siir Cole has only ever loved me openly and loudly and its as if suddenly I am repulsed. My body is in well rehearsed "my nigga, its time to go." Its on auto-pilot and I am scrambling to turn it off and explain the false alarm. Its weird how that works. How you become the materialized version of the harm done to you. A part of me has literally become those past lovers. I can no longer give love in the way they needed and I succeeded to lonely broken hearts, starting over and over again.

I told Siir Cole this when I met him, but even then I was preparing my heart to run. I was setting the scene so when the time came, dramatic exit stage left, everything you own. Im gone and Joni Mitchell never lies. That. This is not what I want. But the result of recognizing yet another trauma and now moving to offset and heal it. The chaos that comes before the calm. Is there a calm? I wouldn't know, I have no precedence to. Its only May and Im wondering if I could be gone till November, cause ya homey is tired. Please send reinforcements. Imma do the work though. Promise, Promise.