Belly Me (fatphobia)

ya’ll stay being concerned about bigger bodies in your fatphobia. 

being uber small or uber big are one in the same. 

they are both generational traumas that are connected to the lack of not having enough. 

both are forms of malnourishment. 

its hella weird, how we only talk about and dispose of fat folx, but most of y’all malnourished, ultra petite, humans who are out here consuming and running on hot air and nada else, are uplifted and set as role models. 

they are two extremes that fuel empire and keep any one of us from actual healing and wholeness. 

i live in a fat body and have for most of my life. 

i have also grown up in a household with 2 Black women whose bodies one, small and petite, the other classic Black girl body. Small waist, small tits, wide hips, big butt.  

both of those persons were and are deeply unwell and yet they have been allowed to maneuver the world as if they are “okay”, because their bodies are deemed desirable by men. 

both are deeply insecure about their bodies and yet they were centered as a standard within the culture. 

as I have stated before my mother was always eager for me to lose weight. I went to weight watchers for the first time in 5th grade. She never engaged my siblings body in the same way and there were extreme differences in the ways we were treated because of our perceived body sizes. 

my fat body was deserving of abuse by default, my younger smaller, “quiet” siblings was deserving of protection by default. 

within my fat my traumas live and reside, every past version of me, stored like ancient memory. 

because I was never taught how to simply be and accommodate me, I expanded like ballon full of inflamed, intimidated air. 

what if I could actually dive into the belly of me, what would i see?

most of it not my own, not placed there by me, but fully blown in from lack of others. 

i am still fat, but for the first time ever I am understanding and allowing my body to shed in full, slowly and intentionally,  just as it has taken time to heal from past traumas. 

i don’t know my actual body because the harm started in the womb that then extended into reality once I entered planet earth. i was a bad thing for my parents not something to behold.

allowing my body to explore and expand into itself fully via methods other than over consumption of food is completely new territory. 

unmasking is such a heavy task.

The body goes through so much on top of trying to manage and sort through years of buried mental health. 

my body is just now restored in full from being sober and giving up alcohol. No one talks about the layers you move thru in order to restore your body from alcohol consumption, let alone everythang else. 

the COVID vaccine, changed things in my body and how my body responds in ways that i’ve never had to be concerned about before 2020. 

i have always been aware of my body in the many sizes it has taken on, but those in smaller bodies are not required to access any sort of discernment that actually connects the lack in their body to the lack in their mind. 

because they are congratulated for running of diet coke fumes and rice cakes. 

the gaunt wafer thin flakes of hollywood who starve themselves for a paycheck, are the role

models of today. hollywood has set us back another 50 years, with movies like wicked, when it comes to bodily autonomy and sovereignty for young girls and femmes. 

healing looks nothing like the extremes we engage via fat culture and fatphobic culture. And both are toxic AF. Both involve a denying and delusion about body in order to belong. 

i have been in both extremes. At my smallest I was a size 8/10 about 175 lbs, this happened in colleges after finally fleeing the abuse of the home of grew up in. 

i was at my biggest in 2023 (since high school and I was likely teetering somewhere around 300 lbs. 

i have no idea what my numbers are now (I have a vague idea) but I know i’m healing, my body has naturally wanted to move more as I have moved thru and not denied my mind.

it has transformed on its own, as my eating habits have become aligned with who I am and not who other folx have forced me to be via grooming and their own lack. 

how consuming the lack of others energetically caused me to expand, an invisible matter showing up as physical matter

i can see it in my nails, my hair, everywhere. 

body is about balance and from that grows embodiment. 

the world we live in is run by small bodies screaming through their emptiness, no different than my screaming through my full belly of me. 

full hearts and minds seed full belly’s and full communities

working my way back to the fullness of we.