I Am Tired: OCD, Neurodivergence, Black Brilliance, and the Refusal of Erasure

I Am Tired: OCD, Neurodivergence, Black Brilliance, and the Refusal of Erasure

I Am Tired

I am not okay.

And I am afraid to say that here — in my own space, on my own website, for my own business that I have been building since 2013.

The last five years have been the reality of waking up from the nightmare — only to realize it wasn’t in your sleep that the fear resides, but in the everyday, when your eyes open.

When you speak the truth and clearly recognize the pattern — all for it to be used against you.

For people to feel entitled to steal your work.

There is no gossip here.

There is defense for the fullness of me.

Because if I don’t defend me, no one will.

Eventually, I will talk in-depth about OCD.

I will map it. I will place my boundaries here in full.

Most of you have no idea — and do not care — about how your engagement with me often triggers my disorder.

Most of you vaguely decided that neurodivergence is the tree under which you reside — but it stopped there.

Now your dysfunction lives in using your brain as an excuse for unaccountable behavior.

Harm continues as it always has.

OCD is a disorder that developed because my AuDhD was never met with safety and love — only trauma and abuse.

I learned to create protective loops as a result.

This website is part of my work in redirecting my loops from defense to creation —

but y’all could care less.

You can’t even recognize that pattern in what’s being built.

The post here about the harm of the Curry family is directly tied to that.

The post about Oberlin is also directly tied to pattern recognition of a cyberstalker.

It all connects.

It all tracks to my disposal.

There is no gossip here.

There is the archival of erasure.

But it is very clear: the system, in its dysregulation, means to deny my brilliance when faced with the truth of harm that extends from powerful hierarchy.

And how am I meant to speak openly and honestly about how there is no defense for me except for me —

if the harm continues without accountability?

I have been developing Black Beauty School for over 10 years.

It is the seed for the Blackcurry courseworks, which have now arrived in full — Indigenous portals that glitch in 2 you.

And yet, persons are allowed to erase my work,

and I am meant to remain silent.

Discriminatory requests are made of my Black body to keep me hidden and on the fringes —

for people who haven’t even done the work.

This work supersedes restorative justice work, which has yet to show any real foundation in corporatized spaces that only need to look trendy instead of embodying a community vision that actually takes time to build.

There is a historical literacy that lives in my body.

It recognizes pattern detection in racialized systems.

It is not something I can override or deny.

It is foundational in me.

Instead of recognizing my mind as Black brilliance,

you engage me as intensity that needs to be caged and shut out —

which is weird AF, because all I do is implicate myself as being adjacent to these problems,

and I discover trans ways to remove and heal myself from them.

I am actually curious about all of it — even that which makes me extremely uncomfortable.

But because I am comfortable in the liminal, the experimental,

you move to dispose of me — because you mean to keep the same systems of treachery and deceit in play.

I want to be able to write here fully in my voice.

I have nothing else clever to say, as most of you will read this and absorb it into yourself — and that will be that.

Y’all don’t even understand community.

The core of it is conflict, and not being afraid to move through it with intention and care —

the foundation of which is your own personal embodiment.

Most of y’all are embodied to systems, peoples, places, and legal substances that aren’t even you.

That is the programming.

The tech(no)logy that you actually are.